I essentially need to tend to my home within.

Like I may appear a good person on the outside by my actions maybe, but on the inside I feel like a genuinely bad person. I don't know how to fix this currently, but I want to. I think I lack love for myself.

It has to be a chemical imbalance at this point, cause no amount of meditation and internal dialogue with myself has fixed this.

I am depressed 99% of the time and I feel a glimmer of happiness once-a-month at most like a carrot being dangled in front of me and being pulled away before I can grab it.. I'm relieved that I can still cry honestly, cause otherwise I would just be bitter and bored constantly.

I am grateful about my boyfriend though. I hope I can see him soon.

I usually have something thought-provoking for my frontpage post, but this time I don't have much to say. I'm genuinely sad this holiday season, even bitter if I'm being honest, despite that though I still have persistence in overcoming all of this; being good despite my evil nature. Currently though, I feel hopeless, but I'm still doing my best and won't beat myself up for it. I'm allowed to be sad and bitter right now, and I have every right to be. No longer pretending.

holiday spirit is 100% gone and I probably won't get it back for a very long time.

and that's precisely why we are here; we were made for this world.

It's legit starting to make me feel good instead of guilty like in the past.

You can't truly love others until you learn to love yourself as well. You're a person too; be kind to that person.